A Feig Prayer

Here is a prayer written by a member of Feig. It is posted here because as the writer said "All prayer belongs to God anyway so it is not really mine to keep."

“The Kingdom of God does not come with careful observation, nor will people say, “Here it is” or “There it is” because the kingdom of God is within you”. Luke 17, 20-21.

God of love,

If you are within me, then I cannot escape from you. So why is it so hard to find you?

Can I find you through my emotions? I remember times when you have felt so close; standing on a cliff top as the sea rages against the rocks, watching the sun set over the Grand Canyon. A wide beautiful sky makes so much feel possible. But peak emotions can only be sustained for so long. Where are you in the mundanity of the rest of the time? In the boredom, the petty annoyances, the traffic jams, the supermarket queues, in my procrastination and in my guilt. My heart is so restless and so selfish. There is no room for you in here.

Can I find you through my mind? Sometimes the probability of your existence seems reasonable, sometimes not. I have been both hardened by cynicism and plagued by delusions. I have believed all kinds of madness, and doubted all kinds of truth. I am suspicious of words, concepts, theories, ideology. I am always primed for an argument, picking at the inconsistencies. My defences are raised high. My tongue is sharp and ready. No room for you in here either.

Can I find you through my senses? I look for you but I cannot see you. I reach out my hands but I cannot touch you. What do you smell like? What do you taste like? When I try to speak to you, only silence answers me. My past is a tattoo on my back, following me everywhere. If my body is a temple then it has been vandalised and violated too many times. It is no longer fit for purpose.

I have sinned through my emotions, through my thoughts and through my body, and yet in those who have loved me I have found healing and grace that I do not deserve. My God, I really hope you do exist because I need someone to thank for this. These blessings I have received are demanding a response from me. I owe you everything but how can I repay you when you remain hidden from me? Please help me. Please forgive me. Please have mercy on me.

For yours is the kingdom that I search for,

Amen